The Windmill

The music stopped. I came back to my senses. It is just a toy. A glitter globe. A glass ball filled with colorful shimmering confetti that churn up and make a festive and merry scenery when shaken. But this one is different. It has a built-in music that plays when you turn the key, making the whole stuff somewhat pleasing and sweet. I turned the key again. The music is like a lullaby, so dulcet, so angelic. The kind of melody that makes you reminiscent.. and broody.. and dreamy.. And so I thought.

It was the Christmas of 2013 when my mother and I bought the glitter globe. There were a number of other colorful designs on the shelf to choose from.. Glitter globes with a girl in a dress holding a basket of flowers, a couple of babies dressed like a prince and a princess sitting on a bench that is surrounded with more flowers, a baby sailor looking out from his ship. Cute. Hovering my eyes over a stack of these spherical toys, I found a particular design that caught my attention. Not only does it sound like my name, it also has some degree of essence and depth that I cannot fully explain. A windmill. Aside from having it as my former alias on my Instagram account, I have developed a vague fondness on this kind of contraption ever since. What’s odd is that I haven’t even seen one in real life and yet I get an obscure feeling whenever I happen to see one either in pictures or on T.V. The windmill inside the glass dome of the toy is placed over ceramic figures of teddy bears, wagon, an old farmhouse, and other random etchings. Immediately, I grabbed it and purchased it after checking if it had any defect.

At home, I would often shake the globe and watch how the glitters slowly fall down through the water. I would listen to the dreamy music while letting every note of the tune condescend with the movements of the falling particles around the windmill.. I would watch every single flitter as they lay on the surface of the motionless structure.. And just when the music stopped, all the shiny particles laid still.. Just as how the windmill stops spinning when there is no wind.

The inevitability of windmills, as they have been used ever since the sixth century by the Persians, lies in the fact that they will only function when there is the presence of either water or wind. These natural resources were then being used as a power source to supply these machines in order to be utilized for various activities at the time. Thereabouts, the designs of windmills were as ancient as the discovery that water and wind can actually serve as an energy source for grinding grains into flour. As the centuries progressed, the windmills gained its prominence around the 18th century in Europe, making it a power generating machine as technology is being harnessed.

So then, how does it relate to my fancies?

The wind blows the windmill’s shafts. In return, the shafts spin in the direction the wind blows. The windmill is designed to face and catch the most wind so that it can function the way it is supposed to. In short, the windmill faces the direction of the wind and utilizes the most wind that it can get as possible in order to be useful, in order to be a windmill per se.

One can say that windmills move with the wind, just as how I can say that I go with the wind. It is inevitable to be a windmill and be blown by the wind, just as it is inescapable to be me and be carried away by life. Windmills follow the instincts of nature, just as how I must live by the laws and freedom of life..

Amazing, isn’t it, that as the windmills succumb to the power of nature, I, on the other hand, must also humble myself before the Highest Power.

As they obey the wind, they generate more powers (energy) to supply those that need them..

Do I resemble the windmills? Do I face the wind blown to my path, or do I steer away and escape? Am I like the shafts that spin the way as the current of air tells them so? Do I really care about the direction where I am going, or am I directionless and going wayward in my journey? I do not know where the wind is taking me. But this is one thing that I know: I am where I need to be. The blows of life are all meant to put me in motion, to generate more sense, depth, and meaning in my existence. I do not know, for sure, for how long this wind is going to blow, and where the next direction might be. But that is where the beauty of life is- it’s in the uncertainties, the unknowns, the grinding and milling, the crushing and cutting, and finally the formation of an outcome. They are all needed. They are all unavoidable. They are all a part of fate.. A part of existence and of life.

The music was over. The glitter globe was, again, silent. The glimmering little things were once again motionless. And so was I. Silence. Nothingness. I was hushed by a gush of wind in my mind! I picked up the toy and held it in my hands. You little thing. Why do you have to teach me so many things? At that moment, I turned the key once more. The air was filled with the music again. And again.. And again…

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Hands Held High

During the service at church last Sunday, something grasped my furtive glances. Standing in front of me was a family of three- a father, mother, and a daughter. It was time for praise and worship and so we were all standing and singing songs to God. My eyes were particularly caught by the young girl in the family. She is probably six years old. I can tell by how she was dressed and the way she moved. With hands held high and frame standing tall, she sang. She was singing those joyful and sweet songs to God. She was very natural. She didn’t care if the stranger beside her wasn’t raising her arms. She was just.. singing. And praising. And worshiping. I thought to myself, “How can this young girl actually understand what she’s doing? Or what she’s singing. Or even what she’s singing for. But her heart is so pure and true, that no matter how immature she is she gets to praise her God. Fully. Genuinely. Innocently.”

Wait, what? Did I just say immature? But I stand corrected! It was rather a mature act of faith for someone at her age. With all her purest intentions, she worshiped her God with her whole heart, with no holds barred, with no hypocrisy and refusal. Without reservations (I know that sounds familiar). Without any shame or guilt. What is in this child that makes her do so?

Jesus said in Luke 18:17,

I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.

Jesus doesn’t tell us to act like some childish brat who throws tantrums when caught up in the midst of mishaps and troubles. But He’s telling us to be childlike in our faith. Because a child’s faith is pure, all-out, loyal, true. But how can this be?

Take the basic example of a parent-child relationship. A young boy heeds the advice of his mother. He doesn’t have to have double thinking as to whether he will listen and obey his parent. Why? Simply because he has faith in his mother that she loves him and that she will never want anything bad for her son (Well, if the young boy is a rebel, that would be a totally different story). This simple scenario is the same with our relationship with God. The more that we have faith in Him, the more that we trust Him. The more that we trust Him, the more that we obey.

Too often, we, adults, easily get so entangled with our problems that we totally forget that we can overcome them by praising and worshiping God with all that we are. As we get older, our hearts become covered with cobwebs of hate, doubt, and anger that get thicker and thicker with time.. We become cold in our faith and we fall away from the unwavering source of hope. But as we seek God with all our heart, we can discover for ourselves that He never wants us to suffer or be wayward in our journey in life. Instead, He wants to fill us with joy and gladness that despite the trials, we can find peace in Him, the kind of peace that the world can never offer. He wants us to trust Him by having a childlike faith that purely and genuinely acknowledges that He is God, that He is the Lord and that nothing, absolutely nothing, bad would He ever want for us.

As I stood there, I was in a state of awe by that simple act of the child in front of me. Nevertheless, it wasn’t my first time to see a kid in the act of worship, but its impact wasn’t as strong as it was at that moment. Standing there, feeling as if listening to the silent preaching of the child, I uttered, “Lord, I want to praise You again even in the midst of a storm.” The silent preaching, thus, made me silent in wonder.

P.S. I don’t really observe people and wander my thoughts everytime we praise and worship at church. It was just a different moment that day. I believe that was also part of the preaching for me. ^^

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Another Dream on a Sunny Day

The memoirs of bygone days

are reaching me again in a festive dream

The sunlight, the breeze of a calm day, the gossamers of innocent laughters-

are all but echos coming from mountains of reminiscences

 

All those quaffs of fondness and merrymakings

and the endless dreaming of this fumbling self

are contained in a sandclock

that must have been through


And now, on this sunny day when all seem to be gay and free

The dreams of those bygone days are calling out-

all squabbling and playing once again,

thwarting the veil of counterfeit happiness on my face

When The Whole World Was Falling

Can you remember the time when you were down to nothing? When you just could not figure out why things are happening? When you thought you’ve done everything you could and you’ve exhausted every possible way to decipher the circumstances that seem to be a giant puzzle or maze? When you lay at night and your tears were your companion, your own sobs were your lullabies? And you woke up in the morning thinking that the misty sunlight would melt your cold countenance, as cold as ice, and that the chirping of birds would soothe the cruel reality around you. When all the right things you have known in all your existence had become wrong to their sight, and you had no other choice but to succumb yourself in what you think is the most hopeless and helpless moment of your life. When you had nothing, basically nothing, to think of but pain, disappointment, dismay, and heartbreak.

The years pass. And the sequence of the story becomes acquainted to you. There are questions that, until now, have not been answered yet. They remained as they are. They linger in your thoughts. And you think that life is a never-ending cycle of hurts, injustice, and imprisonment in what you see is a harsh bondage for a free-spirited soul like you. Harshness, yes, an echo that has been reverberating within the walls of your soul, a familiar word that has been repeating in the history of your life.

Now you wonder, What have I become? Am I now living the life that I have always thought of, dreamed of? What have I learned? Did something new happen? If there was, what changed? Am I still living in void? Is there a light in a tunnel? When will I see it? When can I be filled with hope that had always escaped my grip? When can life be better? And there you are, thinking that your life is like a spinning game wheel that doesn’t stop spinning, and when it does, it always points to “Failure.”

Now, take heart, little one, you’re not alone! Everybody goes through this phase at least once in their lives. The only difference it has in everybody is that, one can recognize that the earth cannot stop orbiting the sun (Otherwise we’re dead fo sho!), while others just cannot.

Let me give you a simple story of science. (No please, I can make it simple, see, I’m trying.) Our beloved planet constantly revolves around that giant ball of fire. For 365 1/4 days, it does not get tired of doing so. Not mentioning the fact that it is spinning around its own axis at the same time! (As a child, I would always wonder why we’re not feeling dizzy at all. Until my science teacher enlightened me, thanks to her.) But that was just a portion of an era of questions in my snoopy mind as a youngster: Why doesn’t the earth fall down from the solar system? How come the planets don’t juggle around? And, why is the earth the third planet from the sun? Why not first? Things like that. After less than a score of years, I have learned that the earth does fall! [Bhatia, A. (2014). What Would Happen if the Earth Stopped In Its Orbit? Retrieved 8 November 2015, from http://www.wired.com/2014/12/empzeal-earthfall/] Isaac Newton found it out. It wouldn’t have been held as a precious knowledge until today unless it isn’t true and isn’t actually happening! Physics is accountable for the explanation and it has something to do with speed, temperature, gravity, etc. If not for the factual “earthfall”, we are all thrown into the sun! And we all know what happens next. The gem here is the fact that the earth falls everyday, every minute, in a whole yearin all the years to comeuntil our earthly time is through, so that it can keep us all alive.

earth

These, with all the interconnections this earthfall has with the human lives thriving on this planet, with all the hustles and bustles of our everyday, with all of our movements, our busyness and many businesses, our personal journeys, out-and-abouts, shenanigans, merrymakings, with all our human concerns, struggles, and existence, with all our own trials and downfalls and failures, with all our pain, our grievances, our sorrows, with all the heartbreaks, hopelessness, doubts, frustrations, our cries, with our own loneliness, feelings of injustices, all the regrets, loss, chaos and hate, with death and war, are all needed and necessary. It is a hard truth but it is the truth. They are all inevitable, inescapable. All those pain are needed not to destroy us, but because life is meant to be lived. And accepted. And give us the purpose of existence. Life is when all you can see is the facade of an ugly reality but in the depth of it is beauty and perfection and hope and love, and happiness. Life is when all you can carry is the heavy weight over your shoulders but all it meant is to put both of your feet on the ground, to make your feet stand on the ground. Steadily. Unwaveringly. Life is when you see bleakness and gloom, when later on the clouds will part ways and reveal the radiant light. Life is when all you can utter are cries and wailing but all it meant is to make your knees fall to the ground and utter words of prayers and hope. Life is when all you can feel is pain, when what it meant is to shower you with love and faith. It is when you touch nothing but your shadows, and all it wanted to reveal, all throughout those years is His presence, God’s loving presence, by your very side, every minute, everyday, in a whole lot of year, forever. Life is the reality of His unending love and care and affection, that goes throughout the ages and reaches a thousand generations. Life is love. And life is His expression of this love. Love that is unseen, but is perfectly beautiful and incomparable, and worth all His pain, His cries, His death on the cross for YOU. And yes, His love that can wipe away your tears, that can renew your frail soul, that can create a new heart in your very being, that can give a new life. And this love, yes, the reason for your existence in this constantly falling and fallen world, that no matter how far or how fast this earth could fall, you would not be thrown away into that fiery land of wailing and hopelessness and nothingness. All because of His love, all because of Jesus!

Now, that you are in a new season and time, now is the chance to pursue that flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Once, all you knew was darkness and pain, now you are orbiting in His own pace and timing, kept safe and secured in His hands that are so gentle and comforting. Yes, you can still fall. And fail. But just like the earth, you will fall safely, timely, securely, because those Magnificent Hands hold everything, just everything, in its place so perfectly and lovingly. 🙂

Don’t be afraid of falling!

Why Write?

I love sunshine. I love its ethereal illumination and the dreamy magnificence of every streak of light that passes through whatever it can pass through. I love every speck of the little things that dance in the steady rays and every beautiful thing that gets caught up in them. I love light and its warmth.

I love the sounds of the wind. That peaceful and solemn music that trickles in my ears- it creates a song that never gets old throughout the ages. I love the invisible nature of the wind too. It is beautiful even though unseen.

These things, and the other million little things- I love such, and so I write. Because I see, I write. I hear, and I write. I feel and love, hence, I write. There are still countless things that I can see, hear, feel, and love, and there are still countless things for me to put into words. I love those that capture my thoughts, and I love every blossoming idea that comes from them.

Writing gives me a sense of freedom. I can go to places that exist only in dreams. I can travel through the seas and oceans, perhaps without any boat. I can hear the songs of seagulls over the waters. I can fly up to the sky, and these imaginations are my wings, with the gentleness being the wind beneath them. They give me the chance to do things that are beyond my reach.

I write because I want to create. I want to create an existence that no one can either take away or destroy. I want to walk, run, and fly without limits. I want to sing endless songs that make the world listen and dance or maybe, be put to slumber. I want to speak love. I want to laugh and cry and smile and frown. Sometimes I may also want to lie down and just.. lie down. And feel the earth embracing me and wrapping me up in its warmth.

I write because I am eccentric. I am different. And I want to feel the world as if it is my own. I want to live as if I love only one thing, that is, writing my own possibilities, and I want to die for only one thing, and that is for doing the impossibilities. I want to forget and let live and I want to remember and let love live in me. I want to be my own self, uncovering the truths from within, and discovering the unknown. I need to see myself as part of the eccentricity of the world. Though they banish or scoff- oh, they are the words they tell.

I write to simplify. The intricacy of life leaves me tired and burdened. I write because I want to learn, and I want to keep learning. Foolishness is not worth a thought, but learning is worth all thoughts. I want life to be simple, just as an old man says. And I find simplicity in putting madness into words. For without words, wisdom is not possible.

Finally, I write because I’ve got something to say. And I believe I have said a tenth of the million things that I really want to say.